"I’m seeing all these nonsense tabloids claiming I have butt implants-injections. Get a life!'
In a world filled with angst and concern, of thousands dying of Ebola, of 3 wars in far off places, of beheadings, of fracking and greed, and of a government refusing to govern, it is wonderful that our world of the twitter and tweet, our world of Facebook and Flipboard, of Pinterest and Tumblr can draw your eyes and minds away from the gravity of so many things and focus it quite directly on one thing. Kim Kardashian's butt.
I am absolutely confounded by Mrs. West's derriere...and frankly didn't even begin to understand how this appendage has gone from something normal to a glossy, gourd tacked on the waist of a thin person. It is unnatural, and I wonder how it is to walk being that imbalanced. And, to think that this butt is rocking the world for it's absurdity, it's abberation, and like a car wreck, one's inability to look away from it. I hope it is an implant...because this sort of body part is unique, and isn't something one sees every day, let along in a lifetime. I am a photoshopper and can see how some creative drawing could take an okay waist and a plump derriere and by working with the background --one could easily redraw those proportions to have the odd image we see in Paper. I love it that we have plastic surgeons debating how these bizarre proportions were achieved in such stellar publications as the New York Post:
“Not sure what screams #photoshop more, the 12-inch waist, or the solid color background?” tweeted Dr. Matthew Schulman, a New York plastic surgeon who performs butt lifts."
However, Molly Friedman at the New York Post in her article : "Want a rear like Kim Kardashian's? We tested products that say they can help". Ms. Friedman goes through the exercise of butt enhancements, essentially the "chicken breasts" of butts...from padded panties and boy shorts to pills such as "Gluteboost's Butt Enhancement Cream which contains magic such as "Voluplus" and "Volufiline" which if it does anything, it will give you cancer. I mean, everything gives you cancer, duh. Christmas is coming and who would expect a butt enhancement product in your stocking? Give it some thought, only $139.99 and you will be on your way. Or a subscription to Adobe's Creative Suite could give you the same thing without the cancer.
As I begin to troll around the web, there is a wonderful group of surgeons in Miami, Miami Plastic and Cosmetic Surgery, who for the low low starting price of $4,000 promises a Brazillian Butt Lift which can give you fuller, firmer and a Lifted Buttock! And they go on:
"The procedure goes by many names: buttock augmentation, buttock lift, butt lift, butt augmentation with fat transfer - they all mean the same thing.The procedure requires skill, as the surgeon is basically sculpting not only your buttocks, but also other areas of your body to give you that sexy hourglass figure."
"Why fat transfer?
•Change the entire body and it proportions
•Using your own fat from areas of your body such as your abdomen, inner and outer thighs, love handles.
•No introduction of a foreign substance into the body"
Pure and Natural. Simply simple. Big butt, small operation. You suck it from here and it goes to there. Presto. No need to wear giant pants, or to ingest Voluplus to look as good as Mrs. West post baby. A little surgery and get the bikini, baby.
What else is going to pop up to have us take our eyes off the important stuff that is on this same spinning orb as yesterday? I would like to say it can't get more ridiculous than this, but delightfully, it always does. Dystopic, indeed.